- Re: your friend — Casey, Thu Jan 2 14:59
- more thoughts for Jenifer — Gloria, Mon Jan 6 21:44
- your friend, and help available — Diane Cheryl, Mon Jan 6 11:01
- Her way or the highway — Anonymous, Fri Jan 17 10:05
- other help — Diane Cheryl, Fri Jan 17 12:42
- You're the "EXPERT" — Anonymous, Fri Jan 17 15:31
Gloria
your friend
Thu Jan 2 13:08:59 2003
Kacee,
I have been thinking about your message overnight. I am especially concerned for your friend, because she still has a choice. Before she makes a decision she cannot live with, she needs to investigate thoroughly from all sides.
I just want to ask you to think about some things. Think back to the reasons why you got an abortion. You said you did it to protect Jeff. From what you are saying, it didn't do any good for your relationship. Instead, he broke your heart anyway. I don't remember whether you said you also had serious problems just making it if you had a child. So, there are two issues, seems to me. The question I always want to ask is, what would have had to have been different for you to feel you could keep your child? Do you really feel you exercised true freedom of choice?
You literally have your friend's life in your hands. I know from talking to lots of women that a major reason women get abortions is because they feel abandoned. Usually, if the father says, "I'll support you whatever you do," the woman feels abandoned. I think a lot of women wish the father would try to do something to talk them out of it. If the father uses subtle pressure to try to persuade the woman to get an abortion, it's even worse. Now, it seems to me the same thing can happen if a woman has a good friend, and she basically does the same thing. What can you offer your friend so that she has true freedom of choice? What kinds of needs does she have? Can you help her with that, or can you help her find help? Urge her to listen to her heart, but warn her that having an abortion for the sake of the father or their relationship rarely, if ever, works. If she thinks she can somehow return to the way things were, or preserve her relationship with the father, then this could be affecting her outlook. You already know that it doesn't work that way, and I have heard the same thing from a lot of other people as well. Ask her to think about how she will feel if she has an abortion and she loses her boyfriend anyway. She could end up having neither her boyfriend nor her child. So there are two things about her heart she needs to pay attention to. The first, her relationship with the father, is beyond her control, and it may be over anyway. So she should never base a decision on trying to hang on to her boyfriend. He will either come around or he won't. If he truly loves her, this won't keep him away, even if she has the baby. If he doesn't love her, she won't be able to keep him. It will break her heart, but she can't do anything about it. On the other hand, she needs to listen to her heart about having an abortion. Is this a decision she can live with? I have seen too many women lose their will to live afterwards, and do very destructive things to themselves and others. Abortion is an invasion, and a lot of women react to it just like they would to any other invasion, and they blame themselves. Ask yourself whether you want your friend to go through what you are going through. She will always have been pregnant. Nothing can change that (assuming she is pregnant). Even though you know the final choice rests with her, in what direction would you nudge her? She probably is in a panic, and not thinking too clearly. What do you think she would do if she wasn't feeling this way? What do you think she would want you to do? If you had a friend before you had your abortion, what would you have wanted your friend to do or say?
Think about what you are saying. You are saying that your friend will suffer emotional damage from an abortion, and you need to tell her about this board. I'd rather she never suffered that damage, and that she could face life with peace and joy. Think outside the box. How can you help her do that? Use your experience, your insight, and your wisdom and nudge her in a direction where she will have no regrets. Remember, in her time of need, her time of crisis, she needs you to be there for her, thinking clearly where she cannot.
