- your loss — Melanie, Fri Nov 29 05:42
- Re: My loss — Pat, Thu Nov 28 22:00
- Re: My loss — Casey, Sun Dec 1 14:37
- Guilt & Shame — Wayne, Thu Nov 28 21:01
- Re: Guilt & Shame — Casey, Mon Dec 2 18:54
- Re: Guilt & Shame — Wayne, Mon Dec 2 23:42
Casey
My loss
Fri Nov 22 15:09:53 2002
I had my abortion when I was 18. (I still am.) I think about what the baby I was carring would have been like. Would he or she have my hair, play an instrument like I do, love to travel like me? Or, would he or she have the sense of humor the father does, like sushi like the father, and be scared of heights like both of us? I also wonder if I was pregnant with twins. Twins run strongly on his side of the family. Would they have been boys, girls, or one of each? I had my abortion because I wanted to, and the father had asked me what I wanted to do; I was lucky to not have been forced into it. I got my abortion on August 28, 2002. I was 2 months and 6 days into my pregnancy. Another reason for my abortion was because I was just starting my freshman year in college. The father is a well-know figure in the city where I live, and if the news leaked that he had an 18-year-old girlfriend that was pregnant, he would have been fired, and suffered harsher punishments. Plus, there is an 11 year age difference between us. He said that he could support a mother and a baby, but it would be tough. I didn't want to put him through that, and I myself was not ready to have a baby.
After the abortion, he took me back to his place, and I felt relieved to have put the abortion behind me, and no longer be pregnant. But the next morning, I woke up, remembered what happened, and started sobbing. I still cry, because I feel guilty and ashamed. I heard a girl in one of my classes call women who have abortions murderers. The smallest comments can start tears up, and it's hard to explain why I start crying. Only the father, doctor, nurses, my best friend, and myself know about the abortion. It's been hard trying to find someone else to talk to without admitting I had an abortion. I see protestors at abortion clinics, and the memories and experiences of being pregnant flood back. It's hard being empty inside, knowing that I could of had a son or daughter born April 2003. I was pregnant with my first; what's supposed to be a mother's most special child. I aborted mine, but I have no regrets. I only have guilt and shame for myself.
