On Wednesday, January 12, 2000, on the Abortion News and Discussion Board, a woman mentioned that she had seen the bumper sticker which reads "An abortion doesn't mean you are un-pregnant, it means you're the mother of a dead baby." She said she found the bumper sticker objectionable. Here is what pro-informed said to her:

I wanted to address this part of your post:

"I wanted to explain to her how this hurts women who have had abortions and to also explain that its the abortion industry that she should direct her comments to and not the women."

I totally agree with the part about the need to comment on how the abortion industry needs to be commented on. But I don't see a need to refrain from adressing abortion itself - what it really is and does.

I would hope that if you ever do confront a pro-lifer to chastise them for what you assume is insensitivity on their part, you will keep this story in mind:

Shortly after I had my abortion I was riding in a car with some friends. We saw a groups of ladies picketing outside an abortion clinic and one of my friends started shouting obscenities at the pro-life women. It really upset me - NOT the signs the pro-life women were holding - what upset me was the way my friend had acted. She assumed that her reaction was somehow a way to show "support" for me. But she was wrong. I was horribly embarrassed and shocked by the way she acted. You see what she didn't know was that I secretly never wanted to kill my baby. But nobody seemed to care what I really wanted or needed - they just "encouraged" me to abort. My friends and family made sure to express all the reasons they thought abortion was the "right," really the "only" choice I had. It took ten years for me to speak up and tell them that I regretted my baby's death. It really hurt me when they said or did things they assumed were for my benefit - when they justified the abortion. It hurt so much that I quickly learned to hide my feelings even from myself and joined them in their harassment of pro-lifers. But while their insults and anger towards pro-lifers seemed genuine (because they thought the pro-lifers were upsetting me), my years of making fun of and yelling at pro-lifers were based on pretended upset. Secretly I was laughing at how easily feigning upset could silence pro-lifers.

While I won't pretend to speak for ALL post-aborted women, I feel I should tell you that nothing pro-lifers said or did bothered me a bit when I was a choicer... however, I often pretended to be hurt or offended. You see, I quickly caught on that acting upset was a very easy, effective way to censor pro-lifers. Incredibly, in my ten years of post-abortion denial, not a single pro-lifer ever called me on this evasion tactic. Every time I used it I was able to get the pro-lifer to shut-up, apologize, and then stand there sheepishly as I quoted choicer slogans, spewed false information, slung insults at ALL pro-lifers, etc.

I have five sisters who have all had abortions. We didn't care what pro-lifers thought of us or what we had done. We even joked about abortion and those "anti-abortion-religious-fanatics".

Again, I'm not saying NO post-aborted women get upset by being confronted with the truth... But please keep in mind the possibility that censorship of the truth is not always justified.

I have seen the bumper sticker message you referred to and was NEVER upset by it - not when I was a choicer, not when I was going through PAS therapy - not as a pro-lifer. In fact, when I was suffering the worst part of PAS (nightmares, suicidal thoughts, crying spells) I took some comfort from examples that showed that others acknowledged that abortion had killed my baby - not merely "terminated" my "fetal tissue". Women who are done with the justifying and are left with just the grieving don't want or need pretense that what happened to their baby was not really so bad. Once a woman faces the horrible truth, she wants others to face that truth with her - not soft-peddle it as something less negative.

By the way, if you HAD followed that woman into the store and confronted her about her bumper sticker, there is a VERY good chance she would have turned out to be a post-aborted woman herself. Really, it has been my observation that pro-lifers who have never had an abortion are much more likely to be hesitant than bold when compared to post-denial women. Often pro-lifers who have never aborted think they have to protect post-aborted pro-lifers by suggesting they not watch videos of abortion at meetings. But some of the most graphic, disturbing photos of aborted babies I've seen were being handed out at pro-life meetings BY post-aborted women.

I tried several different PAS therapy programs before finding one I really liked. I noticed that the pro-lifers who offered the counseling often assumed that the post-aborted women wanted to be assured that what they did was understandable... While I understand the many factors which can influence a woman to abort - making her feel she has no other "choice" - sometimes well-meaning pro-lifers go overboard with the do not "judge" thing. Once the woman realizes exactly what happened and starts to regret, it really doesn't help much to assure her that it was in any way OK. In fact, since so many well-meaning friends and relatives may already be telling her the abortion was the "right" thing to do, in an attempt to make her feel better and/or expecting her to "get over it" quickly, she may perceive any attempts to gloss over the brutal truth as pressure to stifle her grief.

I hope I haven't come off as too criticising... I certainly understand your desire not to say anything cruel to a grieving post-aborted woman... I just wanted to offer some insight from the perspective of a woman who has had an abortion herself and really was never bothered by things like that bumper sticker.

Comment by Anonymous, posted January 13, 2000:

I saw one that really applies to me. I really feel this is what happened in my case. It may be offensive to some of you, but it does tell the story of my abortion in a short "sentence":

From Abortion News and Discussion Board reprinted with permission

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