- reply — Chelse, Wed May 22 09:05
- how are you doing? — Diane Cheryl, Fri May 10 22:13
Kristy
My beautiful baby
Fri Mar 22 13:56:04 2002
I was pregnant one week ago today, and one week ago tomorrow I did the hardest thing I would ever had to have done, I aborted my beautiful child. Even though it hasn't even been a week, I have begun to heal. The first couple of days were hard. I hated myself and wanted to die right along with my baby. I soon realized this was a decision I made and I had to deal with the consequences. I am in a steady relationship, and we found out we were pregnant two days before my 22nd birthday. Our first reaction was to have an abortion. Over the week and a half following that day, I changed my mind a hundred times, while my boyfriend, although supportive of whatever decision I made, still wanted to have an abortion. I was in a car accident one week and one day after I found out about the baby. My car was deemed a total loss and the stress that followed was incomprehensible. I am 22, no car, which means no work, which means no money. It was the day after my accident that I made the gut-wrenching decision to have an abortion. It was based on many things, but most importantly, we were not ready for this. Not financially, emotionally, or on any other level. We are still trying to grow in our own relationship, and I believe in order to be good parents, two people need to be stable, comfortable and secure in thier relationship as well as in themselves. We have hit the point where we are all of these things with ourselves, and almost hit them as a couple, but that will take more time. I went to one of those crisis pregnancy centers, and the very nice woman tried her hardest to talk me out of the abortion thing, to no avail. But she told me that I should wait until I was between 9-12 weeks so it would be safer for me. That was one of my big concerns, what if I get hurt so badly that I can never have children? So I waited. But I went on with life as usual. I didn't really stop any of my pre-pregnancy activities, but it's not like I did anything bad, just going to the bar every once in a while. During this time I tried so hard to forget about the baby, and pretend as if it weren't there. I knew that if I acknowledged it, I would have a much harder time going through with the abortion, and I knew that was the best thing. Finally the time came to make the appointment, it was on last Saturday, March 16, 2002, a date I will remember forever. I was scared, but more scared for me, and what would happen if something was messed up. But everything went according to plan. Within three hours I was sent out of the clinic sans baby, and feeling emptier than I had ever felt before. In the week leading up to the abortion, I talked to the baby, and told it everything would be o.k. and it would be with God in heaven now, and Mommy and Daddy love it, and will see it again, but now is not the right time for any of us, especially the baby. I held my baby through my tummy, I would wrap my arms around myself before I would go to sleep, or at work, or whenever I felt the need to hold on to my baby. I am glad I did this. I gave myself the opportunity to connect with my baby, and to accept that it was there now, but wouldn't be soon. But that didn't help how I felt when I walked out of the clinic last Saturday. I felt alone, and ashamed, and sad that my baby was now gone from me until I meet it in heaven one day. For a couple of days, I lingered with these thoughts and cried a lot, and I'm glad I did that too, it helped me to grieve. On Tuesday night, three short days after my abortion, I decided I didn't want to cry anymore, I wanted to love my child in heaven. My first step in doing this was picking a name for my baby. This was hard since I didn't know the sex, even though I had my instincts it was a boy. I chose the name Jorryn "The one who God loves" Cade "Pure", because my baby is all of that and so much more in heaven. I realized my baby went from the safe and loving arms of it's mommy's tummy to the safe and loving arms of God. Now I talk to my baby all of the time. I pray that God is loving my baby as much as I would have, but I know he is loving it so much more than I ever could have.
