Rebecca Colquitt
There is hope!!!!!!!!!!
Fri Nov 16 10:02:20 2001
I have read your post and was so moved. I do understand the feelings your going through. I too had an abortion. Tomorrow will be 17 years. I was 17 at the time. Let me share somethings with you that might help some.
First thing. Don't let anyone trivialize your feelings or dismiss your grief. Actually grief is a healthy sign that you are facing realities rather than keeping them to yourself where they would just build up inside you and create conflict between right and wrong in your mind. Also, your tears will help cleanse you. The first step toward being healed of emotional wounds is to admit that they exist and to admit the cause of these wounds. You have a right to grieve. Had you lost a child or infant to disease or accident or miscarried a wanted or planned child, society would not deny your right to grieve. But many women are surprised to find themselves grieving an aborted child because the abortion was, more or less, a voluntary act but that is all the more reason to grieve. There is very good explaination for why this happens. When pregnancy occurs, you body begins to go through changes as you become a mother. Your body machinery gears up to produce a child. Your mind starts to think in terms of being a mother. Anything that might oppose or stop this natural process, such as abortion, upsets the natural functioning of your body. So therefore it is normal to experience a sense of loss, of emptiness, or grief. Recoginize then that you are responding normally to a tragic life experience. The fact that you cooperated in the bringing about of that tragedy does not mean tht you do not need to grieve, but rather may add to your need to grieve. Uncertainty in early pregnancy is so common that it is often called a symptom of pregnancy. You were called upon to make an inportant life decision at a time when your decision-making abilities were hindered by the changes that your body was going through. In addition, you did not make the decision without help. There were others involved.
Second thing.......It is natural to feel anger toward people who may have been a part of the abortion decision. But any anger that you let remain and allow to live on in your heart soon becomes rage or bitterness. You cannot heal emotionally while allowing those destructive feelings to exist. Since your husband played a big role in your abortion decision, you may feel strain on the relationship. Especially if you start feeling angry towards him. Maybe perhaps when you were having second thoughts, you feel like he talked you into going through with the abortion. Sometimes in incidences like that, women often feel anger towards their husbands or boyfriends. This is normal. It happens often but you need to recognize it if it comes about and don't let that strain the relationship that it becomes broken. Both of your children need both of their parents to be there for them. If this happens and you find yourself becoming angry for your husbands part in the abortion, you will need to start working on forgiving him. Not only for yourself but for him or any other that you feel had a part in this. That is the next thing I want to talk about.
Forgiveness...........Learn to forgive others. Especially your husband. He was wrong but sincerely so. He perhaps thought he was helping you. Unfortunately his judgement was faulty. That's a shame not a crime. Remember it so. He sincerely thought it was the best thing at the time. I don't think there was any malice in his decision. I don't beleive he encouraged you to go through with it to hurt you. I truely beleive he thought he was helping. You must remember this if you start feeling angry towards him. Don't expect him to understand the pain and grief you are now experiencing. The child lived in your body, not his. They don't feel the way we do because they were not the ones who were pregnant. It might help if you get some literature that explains why you feel the way you do and that you are not being ungrateful for the children you do have because you are greiving for this one child. Ask him to read it so that when he sees you grieving, he understands and can help you through this process. In time, he may find himself grieving the decison. You will need to be there for him if this happens. I'm not going to lie to you. This is not an easy thing to just get over. It takes time and work but it can happen. You'll never forget but you will come to a place in your life that it will not rule your life. Yes, God was trying to give you a precious gift and yes, it was thrown away. Does that make you a bad person. No! It just makes you human and God understands this. After all, who created us? Who better to understand the mistakes we make in our lives and believe me they are many. Most of all, you need to forgive yourself. Sometimes this is the hardest part of all. We feel so ashamed because we somehow feel we should have stood up to protect our child and we did not. Moms protect their children, not get rid of them but moms are human and as a fallen race, we sin. We often feel so unworthy of God's forgiveness. I mean, how can he forgive me after what I just did? The wonderful thing is that He is more than capable enough to do this. That's why He is God. You see, the whole thing about receiving forgiveness from God is really simple. God knew we were a fallen race and that any sin we commited would condem us to hell forever and he did not want that but because of who he is, he needed a replacement for us. Someone who was without sin who would take our place. That is where His Son stepped in. He was without sin and he choose to die so that by accepting him as our Savior, God sees his faultless Son instead of a sin filled person. It's that simple. By praying and asking Jesus to come into our hearts to live, God now sees his sinless son instead of us. Therefore we can receive the forgiveness and healing we need as well as secure a place for us in heaven. We can also ask God to change our lives for the better which he will. He, if we allow him to can take this mistake and turn it into a tool to help others. He will not stop the consequences of our actions. We have to suffer through them but he promised to never leave us. He said he will always be there for us, to help us get through the mistakes we made. The key word here is accepting. Even if we don't feel like we deserve it because the truth of the matter is we don't deserve it. We don't even deserve the air we breath. But this is not about what we deserve. It's about what God offers to us. I am going to post a poem that I want you to read. It is good. You are more than welcome to e-mail me if you would like to know more about being saved. I would be more than happy to share with you anything you want to know. All you have to do is ask. It's that simple.
Many hugs and prayers for you,
Rebecca
