Emails Index

Cat Haiku and others

You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.

You must scratch me there!
Yes, above my tail!
Behold, elevator butt.

The rule for today
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow

Grace personified
I leap into the window
I meant to do that

Blur of motion, then
silence, me, a paper bag
What is so funny?

The mighty hunter
Returns with gifts of plump birds
Your foot just squashed one

You're always typing
Well, let's see you ignore my
sitting on your hands

My small cardboard box.
You cannot see me if I
can just hide my head

Terrible battle.
I fought for hours. Come and see!
What's a term paper?

Kitty likes plastic
Confuses for litter box
Don't leave tarp around

Small brave carnivores
Kill pinecones and mosquitoes
Fear vacuum cleaner

I want to be close to you.
Can I fit my head
inside your armpit?

Want to go outside,
Uh oh! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!

Oh no! Big One
trapped by newspaper!
Cat to the rescue!

Humans are so strange.
Mine lies still in bed, then screams
My claws are not that sharp

Cats meow out of angst
"Thumbs! If we only had thumbs!
We could break so much!"

Litter box not here
You must have moved it again
I'll go in the sink

The Big Ones snore now
Every room is dark and cold
Time for "Cup Hockey"

We're almost equals
I purr to show I love you
Want to smell my butt?

Help Stop Global Whining

Cat Commandments

Thou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the modem.

Thou shall not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.

Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.

Thou shalt not sit in front of the television or monitor as thou art not transparent.

Thou shalt not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.

Thou shalt not lie down with thy butt in thy human's face.

Thou shalt not leap from great heights onto thy human's genital region.

Fast as thou are, thou cannot run through closed doors.

Thou shalt not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it.

Thou shalt not climb on the garbage can with the hinged lid, as thee will fall in and trap thyself.

Thou shalt not jump onto the toilet seat just as thy human is sitting down.

Thou shalt not jump onto thy sleeping human's bladder at 4 a.m.

Thou shalt realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at any opportunity.

Thou shalt not trip thy humans even if they are walking too slow.

Thou shalt not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy house.

Thou shalt remember that thou are a carnivore and that houseplants are not meat.

Thou shalt show remorse when being scolded.

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